Categories
Debriefings

EUCATASTROPHE

filed by Agent O

It worked.

It worked.

Over the last unknowable unit of time we have won 11 games and lost 12. Perfectly balanced, as all things should be…?

Down

As the amount of Jazz that turns into Night weather increases, the incidence of shadow swaps likewise increase. Eduardo Perez has come in to replace Sosa Hayes, or rather, ‑‑‑‑‑‑‑ ‑‑‑‑‑ has come in to replace ‑‑‑‑ ‑‑‑‑‑. Did Eduardo hear that we were shooting for the coin and clock in to provide expert (or “expert”) aiming advice? Did Eduardo make an agreement with Sosa for training? Does Eduardo specifically only wear hooded trenchcoats for a maximally shadowed and mysterious face? Does Eduardo have a bow and arrow for every situation, including lockpicking, bottle-opening, repelling mosquitoes, and hacking?

Also, I am so glad this scattering thing is almost certainly temporary. As someone who sporadically uses a screen reader, this is hell.

Peanut Holloway was incinerated. One of the three players whose name had been turned from Dan to Peanut when a certain god descended, Holloway had been integral to the plot of the Discipline Era. (Peanut Holloway is, incidentally, unrelated to Theodore Holloway. …I miss Teddy.)

Despite further Parker roams and Instability, no other teams have been incinerated yet.

The Last of Them

Every single rule other than the Sun(Sun) Supernova, Black Hole (Black Hole), and Pulsar (Pulsar) has been nullified: Equal Sun, Fax Machine, All You Can Eat, Enhanced Party Time, Ratification, and Eat the Rich. Nullification is now hitting stadium renovations and individual items.

The Coin was dismayed by Equal Sun’s destruction, as it was the last of the Suns she had paid so dearly to have set in the skies above Blaseball:

What have you done to Our Suns?

The nullification of All You Can Eat leaving some people trapped at 1 or 2 snack slots is, I am told, intended behavior, as the era is ending shortly anyway and so the income mechanics are going to be reworked. If you are trapped at one or two slots, you might be able to use the herring mechanic to force a few more slots into your snack pack. (Incidentally, seeds and hot dogs are the way to go now. Pickles are no longer any good on their own – not since Collins Melon was vaulted.)

Desert Bus for Wrath

We made it to the Desert corner after something like four hours of repeatedly missing the corner, at one point being off by 0.00001 units, as did the Hellmouth Sunbeams, Core Mechanics, Yellowstone Magic, LA Unlimited Tacos, Charleston Shoe Thieves, Oxford Paws, San Francisco Lovers, and Chicago Firefighters.

In an operation alternately called “Desert Bus for Wrath” and “Sutton Bishop Unmemorial Fun Run” depending on when you got into it, everyone in that list other than the Lovers and the Paws collectively made a break for it, heading towards the Supernova Eclipse in the middle of the increasingly tilted map. And with a –

The ‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑ Scattered the Coin!

The Sunbeams slammed into the center, glitching out the image of the Coin and scattering her text. The more teams hit the Coin, the more scattered she became:

Wh‑t are you doi‑‑ [What are you doing]
Wh‑t ‑re y‑‑ do‑‑‑
Th‑s beh‑v‑‑r ‑‑ unac‑‑pt‑‑le [This behavior is unacceptable]

Meanwhile, Crates is alive, well, and stands at the ready, with the Atlantis Georgias and Carolina Queens at their side:

“At the Final Out
Dawn of a zeroed Horizon
The Historian Steels Second”
“Awaiting Sacrifice”
“Affording Scoring Position”

The square hole remains silent.

And the Squid –

Rogue

At latesiesta, a frustrated Coin complained about the Black Hole (Black Hole) situation:

W‑ a‑e be‑‑‑g Che‑t‑d [We are being Cheated]
Ou‑ I‑tell‑ct‑‑l Pr‑pe‑ty ha‑ b‑en vi‑late‑ [Our Intellectual Property has been violated]
O‑r P‑ized A‑‑ets Tak‑n [Our Prized Assets Taken]
[…]
T‑is is no‑ Fair P‑‑y [This is no Fair Play]

The coin then insisted that if we put in “sacrifice”, we could “build back”, to “exponential” growth. That’s a ridiculous claim. The growth curve in question is likely logistic or, at best, polynomial. Even if she did still have any credit left to put suns in the sky, which she doesn’t, she certainly couldn’t keep doing it forever.

And then, the Squid:

no
bad news boss
i quit

The Food and Beverage and Gift Shop and Tour Guide Director (or however all these job titles go) just put down their tools and walked away. And went to the Hall. And opened the door.

i can let you in now
or out, i guess
just sneak out
i’m off duty
get out there
you’re on deck
close up shop

(The coin’s impotent complaints that “Y‑‑ can’t d‑ th‑s. [You can’t do this.]” fell on deaf statocysts.)

(Also, we upshelled “i quit” to 1000, hoping that Crates tweeting it would do something interesting. It did not.)

Rogue

And with that, the Hawaii Fridays and the Kansas City Breath Mints, though still deceased, were again on the map. As was every single other team that was once in the Hall, including the pre-history dead. The Deceased bit was still set – they were just as dead as before – but all the revenant teams also were given the modifier Rogue: “This team is out for a Surprise Attack.”

(A few people had decided, before this week, to declare themselves fans of the pre-history dead teams, despite the fact that being pre-history dead meant they couldn’t vote for anything other than decrees. Well… it matters now. Turns out it doesn’t matter how many votes you have steering or players you have voting: having enough Aid means you move the same distance anyway.)

The other teams who were at or near the corner – the Canada Moist Talkers, Hades Tigers, Seattle Garages, New York Millenials, and Dallas Steaks – were also marked deceased and Rogue, including all the players on them. (Not that it matters, because they’re still playing.)

They all looked at each other, nodded, and charged towards the coin.

Your Turn

Once we’ve made sure to get our licks in, we’re going to turn around and stroll back towards the Desert corner. Given that we’ve been assured that these spaceships will last through the rest of the season, we should be able to make it back into the desert corner no problem.

As to the Rogue revenants:

Now it’s on you.

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