filed by L
Agents, our Wednesday reprieve the last two seasons may have been short-lived: over the last unknowable unit of time we have won 13 games and lost 12.
Midseason Prospects
Fortunately, our earlier efforts leave us on top of Wild Low for now, tied with the Hades Tigers for Wild supremacy. Meanwhile, the Philly Pies have taken a commanding 15-game lead in the Mild League, currently holding a record of 50-7. The Spies are the only team to have beaten them twice, and thus represent the best chance to eventually keep the ILB Championship from them. We just have to get there.
Emmett Tabby was cured by our Peanut Mister, relieving them of their allergy. The Spies are now allergy-free… temporarily. Past experience leads us to expect Comfort Septemberish to be slowly developing one as they continue a constant bopping motion inside their shell. I’ve tried to look up the Spies’ knowledge about what the inside of a shell looks like, but Denzel’s after-action report is just an empty folder, smeared with a thick dark sludge that smells of peanut butter and motor oil. We look forward to Comfort’s release, and their filing the proper paperwork afterward.
Enter Through the Gift Shop
The Gift Shop has created a sense of goodwill across the League, and has led to some familiar bedfellows. The San Francisco Lovers have joined us in a pay-it-forward pact, where they support our third gift and we support the Dale in theirs. Needing to scratch each other’s backs feels nice… maybe too nice. It seems something weird is going on with the presents – there hasn’t been a Prize Match since midseason started. Without evidence, I suspect there may be some zonks hidden in some of these replicas or Bargain Bin picks.
Spies’ hopes for a boost to our already prodigious home-run rate took a hit when the Sanctified blessing was rewritten. Instead of increasing the team’s divinity by 10%, it will instead sort the lineup by divinity. Between gifts, renovations, wills, and other highly-regarded blessings, we don’t lack options for spending our coins, but we may need a little help from other teams to bury some Spies’ initial overzealous spending.
Simulated Humor
Our Field Agent, Jordan Hil…checks notes…I’m sorry, J-r–n Hi—b-r-, has filed a report from the Shoe Thieves. Apparently, a very strong reverberation swapped Cornelius Games and Richardson Games between the lineup and rotation. This lost them about 2 stars of pitching and 13 stars between defense, baserunning and batting.
Slightly later, the Tokyo Lift travelled to Hawai’i, where the salmon cannons at The Cookout escorted three players Elsewhere in one game. This included their two best batters, Gerund Pantheocide and Jessica Telephone. I hope they get to share a booth at the Waffle House with Yrjö.
The Rest
Incinerations continue. The Wild Wings’ Aurora Blortles and the Jazz Hands’ Bauer Zimmerman. They were…players. They were Births, then Shadows, then Foreshadowed, brought to the Immaterial Plane, and now they’re in the Hall. Our records are bare. The empty folders are being refiled. Rest in Violence. I know this is my first time writing a dossier, but…do we really just accept that phrasing? The contradiction, the impossibility of it? Is it a curse against the players, or against the Commissioner who taught it to us? Maybe that’s why we bring in more writers, so we can keep properly outraged. And so others can Rest.