This Fall is the last of the Falls, before Blaseball itself resumes on January 9th.
Business As Usual
filed by Agent J
This fall resumed the pattern seen in the beginning of Fall Ball, distributing only players to teams. It remains to be seen if more blaseball-related items will drop before the return.
Deleuze In Houston’s Definitely Nonexistent Tunnels
Our player this week is Scratch Deleuze, formerly from the Ohio Worms. Deleuze has been on the team since Descension and was a member of the Rising Stars‘ shadows.
Deleuze is reportedly an opossum of indeterminate size, and it is possible that this effect occurred due to something involving a “Wormhole”. Scratch has been noted to be Deleuze’s chosen name due to her rumored skill in note taking. She is supposedly an excellent cook as well, adding onto the emerging trend of Spies with kitchen skills.
Other Notable Falls
Here are a few notable falls to other teams from this week.
- Donia Bailey, a former Spy, has fallen to the Los Angeles Unlimited Tacos. Her handler, Agent Ю, has a more extensive report on this, which is enclosed below.
- Winnie Hess to the Ohio Worms. Hess is an original Crab who was traded to the Kansas City Breath Mints in Season 1. Hess is well known for both extreme talent in pitching and multiple siphons throughout league history. Hess was a member of the Rising Stars during the ILB Semi-Centennial as a pitcher. Hess is also rumored to be a humanoid horse.
- Dunlap Figueroa to the Miami Dale. Figueroa was originally on the Hades Tigers as a pitcher, and spent a single week with the Houston Spies during his tenure as holder of the Fifth Base. Figueroa is noted to be the first recorded ILB pitcher to reach 100 regular season wins and 4000 regular season strikeouts. Like Hess, Figueroa was also a pitcher for the Rising Stars.
- Agan Espinoza to the Dallas Steaks. Espinoza was a lineup player for the prehistory team the Canada Artists. Espinoza previously had the Fire Protector modification, which protects teammates from incinerations. This did not protect Espinoza from being incinerated due to MacMillan’s Firewalker-induced team-killing instability.
- Parker MacMillan to the Baltimore Crabs, as will be described now.
MacMillan is an extremely famous prehistory player, mainly known for the team-destroying effects of Firewalker. Also, for possibly being the base for the known Commissioners III – IIIII. MacMillan’s escape from the vault at the end of Season 23 defined election planning for the entire next Season. More details about MacMillan are available in previous debriefings.
The current Blaseball Commissioner, Parker MacMillan IIIII, on hearing about Parker MacMillan’s fall, said the following:
throw him back
(Considering the league-wide damage MacMillan has done on multiple occasions, this Agent does not blame the Commissioner for that response.)
A Special Note from Donia’s Handler
by Agent Ю
Eight hundred and thirty eight Material Plane days.
That’s how long Donia was in the Shadows. Was. Past tense.
While the shadows have technically existed from the beginning of the Return, Blaseball Beta’s Season 6 Elections marked the first time that players were ever sent to the shadows. Two entered that day: our own agent Donia Bailey and Garages fan favorite Mike Townsend. Mike would go on to enter and exit the shadows a few times before eventually ending up Redacted – as in, literally the in-game effect known as Redacted, this isn’t a joke about redaction, that’s literally what it’s called. Donia would remain in the shadows, waiting.
Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for a chance to be relevant again.
Even before the Expansion Era, the Spies made every effort to return Donia to the active roster. First there was a blessing to retrieve a pitcher from the shadows- the Garages won it for Mike Townsend, outvoting the Spies about 3 to 1.
Then came Wills- but somehow, every time Foreshadowing a ready-to-retire agent for Donia was made part of consensus strategy, the strategy would fail. This includes Season 19, in which the Spies had three Wills rather than the usual two, and a Shadow Infuse to make Donia’s return more probable was made our highest priority objective. Instead, one of our wills moved an item from Agent Fitzgerald Blackburn to Agent Jasper Blather, with Blaseball’s website reporting official final odds of a 0% chance of that happening.
Even the advent of Night weather didn’t change anything. Fate, it would seem, had demanded that Donia remain in umbral solitude.
But in Season 23, Donia did leave the Spies’ shadows – for the Hellmouth Sunbeams’. Agent Bailey was targeted by the Sunbeams’ Phantom Thieves Guild and kidnapped. Concern for Donia fell into despair- not all Spies fans were enthusiastic about rescuing Donia, but on another team without nearly as much sentiment backing her she stood essentially no chance of making it into the light again. At the very least, the Sunbeams and Spies both chose to Touch Down in the desert during the finale of Beta Season 24, meaning that Donia was in close proximity to the Spies, albeit still out of reach.
Short Circuits came and went. Nothing about it impacted Beta players. Donia’s fate was still sealed. Then the first Fall happened, and it was immediately clear that shadowed players in situations like Donia’s were eligible to be ejected from the Black Hole. Quiet hope relit in the hearts of many, but the odds were decidedly not in Agent Bailey’s favor. Week after week passed with still no mention of Donia Bailey – another player with the first name Donia, Donia Dollie, would fall to the Lovers. And in the penultimate fall, who else but the very player responsible for Donia’s shadowing, Evelton McBlase II, would fall to the Breckenridge Jazz Hands? All seemed lost.
But then it happened. Something very, very unlikely finally broke her way. Agent Bailey is now a player for the LA Unlimited Tacos. Donia has been freed.
I would like the official record to reflect that my emotions about this outcome are [REDACTED]. Crying in Blaseball is [REDACTED], as they say, and that includes tears of joy, which I will reiterate were not shed today by anyone. But more importantly, I would like to offer Donia’s unlikely escape as both a crucial reminder of a core Spies principle and a celebration of a reality that, once understood, cannot be unseen:
This was all part of The Plan.
And The Plan worked.