Season 12 Tuesday: Fastest Black Hole activation. The Seasonal Reading is mysterious. Crabs rush to build the Crabitat.

Greetings, Agents.

It has been quite an unknowable unit of time since we’ve used the phrase an unknowable unit of time, hasn’t it? During that period, we have thus far won 13 games and lost 17 games. We have also reached the Earlsiesta. Why isn’t it called the Earliesta?

The Agency supercomputers have debunked the “Wednesday curse”: Spies win exactly as much on Wednesdays as they do on every other day of the Material Plane week. Live without fear.


Our first seven games put us up next to the Canada Moist Talkers and the Hades Tigers at the top of the Internet League. We then proceeded to lose several games, and ended up floating comfortably? in the middle of the board, where we yet remain.

On the very first day of the season, Chorby Short of the Yellowstone Magic hit over a hundred foul balls off the Canada Moist Talkers’ Polkadot Patterson. In a row. Blaseball News Network has an account of this absurdity.

Jaylen Hotdogfingers has been Feedbacked. Again. To the Magic. A care package to be sent to Yeong-Ho Garcia, who is now on the Lovers, is being assembled in room 225; donations of small bills and movie tickets are welcome.

A fascinating development with the Haunted Esme Ramsey of the Charleston Shoe Thieves: on Day 15, during a game the Thieves played against the Yellowstone Magic, our very own long-deceased Dickerson Greatness – who has been undercover in the Hall of Flame ever since Season 2 – possessed Ramsey and then immediately hit a home run. Which got the Thieves up to 10 runs, which Sun 2 immediately ate. Alas, the Thieves did not win this game.

Speaking of black holes, the Spies have set a new record: fastest to reach 10 runs and then immediately get them swallowed by a black hole, on the game on Day 23 against the Dale. It took us less than two innings and all of nine material plane minutes. We then “lost” this game. But at least we’re in the record books!

The Reading

After the games of Day 27, the website was mysteriously replaced by a “Please Wait…..”, and then three card names flashed up on screen:

  • I The Magician
  • XII The Hanged Man
  • XIIII Temperance

Shortly afterwards, we found that Curry Aliciakeys of the Yellowstone Magic had gained something called “Over Under”, and Kennedy Rogers of the Chicago Firefighters had gained “Under Over”. These are both pitchers, and these modifications both have to do with pitcher performance changing after five runs. The Sunbeams have apparently remained untouched.

This probably has to do with many of us using tarot sandwich spread, because the fact that we could reorder cards on our profile suggested that we have at least some control. But was the final site result picked by a plurality vote? Was it a raffle? Did it get randomly generated? We have no idea, and we don’t have nearly enough data to disambiguate between these options.

See this tweet for more details, as well as screenshots.

The Crabitat

According to our sources, shortly after the reading, Crabs fans in possession of Pizza found themselves able to contribute towards the construction of a certain Crabitat, with a visible progress bar. Despite the bar having warnings like “DO NOT CONTRIBUTE” and “CEASE AND DESIST” on top of it, the Crabs filled it with one million coins within ten minutes, unlocking a final disquieting message: “BREACH IMMINENT“. We have always known the Crabs to be fast, but this is impressive.

The Commissioner tweeted “oh no”, deleted that immediately, and then tweeted “nevermind. everything’s fine.” Do you really believe that? I thought not. Good instincts, Agent.

See this Crab’s eyewitness account for more information.

Play Continues

The Ticker that scrolls across the site header is now saying that it “live[s] atop the page” and “feel[s] so alive”. It appears to be sentient. We knew that already. We’ve been keeping an eye on those rumors, after all.

Decentral Command is presently discussing voting optimization strategies. However, please do not spend votes on anything yet: optimal strategies can change drastically based on weather events or other team disruptions.

We will continue to monitor developments on the Immaterial Plane. Good luck and good sense, Agents.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.