Season 2 Thursday: Time is going wrong, the umpires are out in force, Mimosa Arslan is dead, and we aren’t even speedrunning partytime.

filed by Agent O

Absolutely nothing is fine! Thanks for asking!

In the last unknowable unit of time we have won 5 games and lost 17.

Sim Sick

Throughout the day games lagged, crashed, and ran overtime. Bets spontaneously disappeared and reappeared. There was one instance in which all twelve games hit spillover (getting past the 1-hour mark, pushing all the rest of the games back another hour); there was another game that got ten minutes away from double spillover – two hours, after which something mysterious occurs


Front Office staff referred to the game simulation as being “sick”. The game was put on siesta multiple times; in one case the siesta was called but the games continued to play regardless. The Commissioner is doing a wait job!

We hope that the simulation feels better soon and/or that we finally see what happens when a double spillover occurs.

Weather (?) Report

There is not yet a Title Belt writhing mass locust horde mob of multiple Can’t Lose players, but, really, it’s only a matter of time.

All four Umpires have continued to be busy, with incinerations, alternations, curses, and attempts at swearing abounding. Is the weather dial turned up?

But they can also “rule in favor”, apparently in lieu of doing a weather to players on teams that have their favored modification (Bard for Scattered, Knight for Forced, Mage for Entangled, and of course Rogue for Rogue). Ruling in favor appears to increase the target player’s stats.

…Also, Agent Reese Clark was pitching for the Baltimore Crabs during two incinerations, which I am sure is a fun time for our former Fire Eater, who almost certainly feels responsible for this.

Worst Possible Speedruns

Mimosa Arslan, who was hatched just yesterday, has been incinerated by a rogue umpire, replaced by Hye Brighella. We didn’t have enough time to come up with an idea for who Mimosa Arslan was. So I can’t even write an obituary.

This isn’t even a good speedrun because Norris Firestar had a shorter lifespan (22 games, against Mimosa’s 27). And both Margarito Nava and Reese Clark were pitching: that makes two former Fire Eaters, neither of whom could do anything about this.

According to Agent N, Hye Brighella’s very bad numbers have made our team the fourth worst in batting stats in the league. And the other three teams? Have better pitching. …To be fair, we do have good pitchers. They’re just… all stuck as batters right now. I miss our office equipment.

We aren’t first in the partytime speedrun, either – the New York Millenials and Hades Tigers have three fewer wins (20-49) than we do (23-46).

I guess at least Wyatt Mason IVy is on the leaderboard for strikeouts pitched. As is Agent Plums Blather.

All Right, Fine, May As Well

None of our requests to get any of the other Awful Evil teams to help us Strike got anywhere. Look. I wish I had a stirring speech for you about this, but I really don’t. I’m sorry.

Preliminary polling appears to indicate a continued desire to Strike Out, with various Strikes appearing very high on the list – everything except Rogue Strike, which everyone clearly hates. Probably because while we want to strike out, we’re trying to use the least destructive tool(s) at our disposal.

The election is giving us essentially nothing to work with. We dearly wish that the Strike blessings didn’t come tethered to actively hurting other teams.

But if we Strike Out first –

Then nobody else has to.

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