Categories
Debriefings

NOTHING HAPPENED

filed by the Morale Officer

This election, three Decrees, twenty-five Blessings, and fifty-two Wills passed, and almost nothing of note happened to the Houston Spies. Information was revealed, and the current object serving as the focus of our solar attention, concern, and worship has not blown up (yet).

All according to the Plan.

Decrees

Pre-election polling did not uncover much enthusiasm among the polled agents for the six Decrees on offer, but the two that were most favored (or, rather, slightly more favored than not) passed, setting Maximum Sun and Equal Sun into effect. The Sum Sun Decree, the collective least favorite, also passed. The three suns taken together increased the Sun(Sun)’s pressure to 77.34%, not quite up to 100 despite the Coin’s apparent best efforts.

In summary, in Sum Sun each successive scoring play in a frame is worth one more Run than the last; in Maximum Sun a scoring play in Maximum Blaseball (a term coined by an early Agency burner account) is worth three times as much; and in Equal Sun a run scored on the last out of the game ties the game, making it no longer the last out. (Don’t ask me how that will work in practice. I tried to figure it out, and woke up with a note written in my own shaky handwriting telling me not to think about Equal Sun.) My sympathies to whoever is responsible for operating the scoreboards.

Our Blessings and Wills

Bad news: the Spies got no blessings. Good news: the Spies got no blessings. We were, however, directly affected by a few blessings issued to other teams. Agent Paula Mason gained two permanent mods, Subtractor (Underhanded for batters… which is mostly bad, until you face an Underhanded pitcher, or Negative polarity weather, but not both) and Skipping (DJ Grandma real?). Meanwhile, thanks to Gachapon, Agent Aureliano Cerna (who?) successfully infiltrated the Shadows of the Seattle Garages.

Wills-wise, things went not only according to the Plan but as I expected the Plan to go pre-election: We successfully Magnified Agent Commissioner Vapor, and we successfully landed a second Shadow Infuse on Agent Donia Bailey, resulting in a considerable boost to her baserunning. Once we Shadow Infuse Donia’s batting, we’ll have an incredible batter. Or: once we Shadow Infuse Donia’s pitching, we’ll have an incredibly spiteful pitcher. Just like old times! With a cool 50% of our Will votes spent on Shadow Infuse, a majority of those on Agent Bailey specifically, it would’ve been surprising if we hadn’t succeeded, but we’ve been surprised in that precise way before.

Shenanigans Around the League

Agent Sosa Hayes is back with the Atlantis Georgias, thanks to a speedy campaign, concocted when he picked up the Fifth Base (before it caused him to Roam to the Miami Dale), to Move him from the Georgias lineup to the Georgias lineup.

The Seattle Garages, another team that has long campaigned to “expand the band” as they call it, has succeeded in a qualitatively larger measure, allegedly reaching a total of sixty (60) players, counting their Shadows roster, with their securement of the blessing Gachapon. Let’s hope our beloved rivals haven’t bit off more eDensity than they can chew.

The Boston Flowers pulled off a three-will yoyo, swapping Chorby Short into their Shadows, swapping Chorby for Castillo Turner, and then moving Chorby Short into their Shadows again. However, one of the players taken by the Seattle Garages using Gachapon was, in fact, the newly shadowed Castillo Turner, thus entirely voiding the Flowers’ effort. This was the end to a single-election journey taking Turner from the Millennials to the Fridays to the Flowers to the Garages. Is blaseball adding pingpong to its list of incorporated splorts?

A long campaign to make Thomas Dracaena a Siphon, which had its previous high point in a sadly temporary success with the pre-Day X idol board, has finally ended in victory, as the New York Millennials rolled the dice on Dracaena’s Under Taker mod and got lucky.

The Kiss Kiss to our Bang Bang, the San Francisco Lovers, succeeded in a plan of harm mitigation aimed at their Attractor Kurt Crueller, rerolling the Attractor modification (to Walk in the Park) to reduce Crueller’s eDensity, while also swapping Crueller with just-recently-Shadowed player Theo King, who plays poorly enough that they can be confident that office equipment will return Theo to “the box” of the Shadows where they seem, ultimately, to want him.

Another King was returned to sender as the Hawaii Fridays successfully exchanged King Roland for Juice Collins. Meanwhile, another beloved beverage-themed player, Agent Dudley Mueller, transferred to the Ohio Worms. Agency water cooler gossip speculated about a “mud potion.” And another former agent, Knight Triumphant, was sent to the other half of Operation Steakout, the Dallas Steaks.

Thanks to two successive trades, Jessica Telephone is now on the Dallas Steaks. The Charleston Shoe Thieves, who had her for about 30 seconds, now have Conner Haley. Nobody is happy with this.

Due to multiple players drifting onto their rotation (including the previously-dead Alejandro Leaf, who has joined Agent Pudge Nakamoto in the Roaming Necromancy club), the Canada Moist Talkers now have 9 pitchers and 5 batters, the exact inverse of a regulation blaseball team.

Holding a Time-Traveling Parliamint as a Victory Parade

The Breath Mints.

Our Long-Term Embedded Agents

A number of players were Flipped Negative this election, Agent Andrew Solis among them. A replica of Agent Valentine Games, Valentine Games III, has received the mods Reload and Skipping. Agent Avila Guzman also gained the mod Skipping.

Agent Jordan Hildebert was subjected to a Negative Alternation, and now is very fast and good at theft (high baserunning) but refuses to swing the bat (low patheticism). Just like they refused to throw the ball into the strike zone, once upon a time.

Constellation Opposes Rising Stars

Before the election, the Coin announced a special Semi-Centennial Exhibition Match to take place after the Season 23 postseason: “Legends of History” facing off against “[our] very own Rising Stars!” This was accompanied by a website update in which “The League’s Rising Star Players” can be viewed in a separate tab on the same page as the idol board: all players with Ego+ to Ego++++. The Vault has likewise become visible on the website, under the Info menu.

At the Agency, this announcement was met with considerably less enthusiasm, and considerably more cynicism, than the Coin may have hoped. What, besides blaseball, is her game? Is her intention to drive up Ratings, to blow up the Sun, to release (her son?) Parker MacMillan, to commit insurance fraud? It may be the only way to find out is to play along. For now.

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