SISYPHUS

filed by Agent Pillar
audio version

Good timezone, agents. Your Season 20 Overbracket Champions are the Core Mechanics, and your Underbracket Champions are the San Francisco Lovers. Congratulations to both teams on your victories! Or did the Lovers get an unvictory? This Underbracket business is…. confusing.

Ladies and Gentlemen, This Is Chorby Number 5

Following our entry into the Overbracket as first seed, our first set of games were played against the Miami Dale. In an ironic turn of events, however, our greatest obstacle to victory was ourselves. Due to a combination of Sun²’s interaction with Black Holes, the Miami Dale’s acquisition of a Chorby Soul pitching replica from the gift shop, and our team’s offensive prowess, the Houston Spies nearly managed to loop ourselves out of the playoffs by scoring 17 runs. We just kept hitting runs off the Chorby replica, only to have the Black Hole burp a win at the Dale. If we looped again, we would have lost by our own hand.

I walked away from that game in pain from how hard I was laughing, and hope we NEVER have to play a game like that again.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

Despite winning against the Miami Dale and advancing, things quickly took a turn for the worst during the series against the L.A. Tacos. The Consumers were out for psychic blood, and throughout the remainder of the Postseason we were attacked five times. Two attacks destroyed Fitzgerald Blackburn’s shoes and Comfort Septemberish’s Parasitic Jersey. The unguarded attacks hit Fitzgerald Blackburn once and Math Velasquez twice. Despite that, however, we were able to keep it close, and bring the Core Mechanics to Game 5.

Though I was impressed by our team for performing so well given the circumstances, I only grew more impressed after reading the numbers presented by an Agency analyst. The Mechs’ remaining (non-Elsewhere non-shelled) three batters averaged 1.271 thwackability, 0.058 patheticism, and 0.944 omniscience. To put that in words: “Their hitting could not be stopped, and they would almost never allow hits. No normally constructed roster could possibly reach those levels. It was the perfect storm.”

So, What Next?

Due to the events of the Overbracket, most of our strategizing from earlier in the week has been thrown out the window. We’ve identified a number of useful blessings, including Shot Caller, Two Freakin Bats, Green Light, and the ever-present Targeted Evolution. As far as Wills go, things are far more up in the air. Currently circulating ideas involve Shadow Infusing former pitcher Emmett Tabby and Moving Math Velasquez to the Shadows Lineup, in the hopes of securing future Shadows-focused buffs.

Despite the hits we’ve taken this season, I remain immensely proud of our team. We’ve worked hard together, coordinated to avert catastrophe and improve ourselves time and time again, and I have faith that it will pay off. Maybe not now, or three seasons from now, but our time will come. This is all a part of the plan. I hope.