Greetings, Agents. That sure was an election, wasn’t it.
Firstly, the Wild Low alliance did manage to get all the offensive, defensive, pitching, and baserunning blessings for ourselves, each resulting in a 4% boost to everyone in the division. Exactly as planned.
Secondly – please welcome Emmett Tabby, nyanbinary catperson and – hold on, where’s the rest of this document? I can’t tell people who Emmett is if I don’t – you know what, whatever, I still have an entire rest of a debrief to write, I’ll just move on. The files I have here say that Marco Escobar… uh… jumped into a shadow and disappeared? They’re going to have a fun reunion with Donia.
Knight Triumphant returned to the San Francisco Lovers in exchange for Morrow Wilson. This is exactly what we expected would happen.
The Kansas City Breath Mints revoked Stew Briggs, who then came to our stadium and sat down and wouldn’t leave. We appear to be stuck with her for at least a season.
The Boston Flowers plundered Sutton Picklestein, who was already dead. They returned with Debt – unlike Jaylen, whose modifier was Debted. The entire league’s eyes were on them, to see what a batter with a Debt would do. Picklestein promptly noped out and returned to being dead.
We appear to have misfiled some paperwork, which is to say there was another wimdy. This one putting Fitzgerald Blackburn, one of our star batters and a Spy since season 3, who is currently trapped elsewhere, on the San Francisco Lovers??? Seriously? That had a 1% chance! We’ll do our best to try to get them back, but in the meantime, we have Yeong-Ho Garcia, originally of the Yellowstone Magic.
Yeong-Ho Garcia followed Morrow Wilson back upon Morrow’s return to the Spies. YHG’s tutelage has reportedly allowed Morrow to work on doing magic again – this time, safely out of reach of Morrow’s tragic backstory. They might also or instead be dating; reports are contradictory.
It’s useless to argue with each other about the actions of someone we don’t know and can’t find, because then we’re going in circles and working ourselves up into an impotent fury for no reason. Recognize that this happens. Work around it like you would work around a natural phenomenon.
More New Snacks
Several Snacks have been added:
- Breakfast, which gives you coins for time spent “away” from Blaseball (though you need to have the browser completely closed to get this)
- Taffy, which gives you coins for shaming another team (i.e. beating them in the bottom of the 9th)
- Lemonade, which gives you coins for being shamed
- the Meatball, which gives you coins when a batter hits a home run off your Idol’s pitch
- Doughnuts, which (matching the Wet Pretzel) give you coins for every Sun 2 loop
- and, most concerningly, the Sundae –
Actually, let’s break out the Sundae for a closer look. It gives an enormous bounty of coins when a player is incinerated. Whether that’s ultimately a profitable item, I don’t know. But its presence means that the incinerations won’t stop any time soon.
The Plot Knows Where We Live
Between bursts of static, the Microphone managed to convey that the flooding was not an accident. It was intentional. We must remain vigilant.
The Monitor introduced the new snacks, and told us to act quickly because they might “spoil”. Are snacks going to be rotated out of the shop?
The subtitle of this season? “The -ides of March”. The Ides of March, the 15th, a date made famous by a certain Julius Caesar’s death, is the day on which the season starts. The dash has also been used to represent a missing character in a word – see the breaking-up of people’s names when they return Scattered – and there are a number of possibilities for what that character might be. I think it’s “tides”. Owing to the flooding. The rising of the water. The thing that is not an accident.
And finally: two players from the Shadows have received the “Redacted” modifier, which, among other things, means that it is impossible to idol them… and the Coin specifically showed up to ask where they were. At about the same time, the Commissioner tweeted that the ILB’s “two best investigators” were being sent to figure out where they went.
Tinfoil hat time. Our stadium’s nickname is REDACTED. And there are words other than “redacted” to suggest that players have been removed from the records, like “struck out”. This may well be an intentional name collision. And remember – we refused to build our ballpark for almost an entire day, as an act of defiance. The spotlight may well have fallen on us.
A storm is coming, Agents. Hold onto your hats. Tinfoil or otherwise.