filed by Agent O
So. Let me get this straight. We’re simultaneously playing blaseball, piloting a spaceship, destroying laws of the universe, and hoping desperately not to be incinerated by a supernova eclipse. At least we’re no longer half drowned in cosmic immateria.
…That’s most of it, anyway.
Over the last unknowable unit of time we have won 14 games and lost 9.
Lucien Patchwork was protected from an Unstable incineration because of being Shelled. We’d assumed, based on the sample size of one who was Basilio Fig, that the shell let fire through, as Fig ate fire and became magmatic. But in this case, Debt-flame could not reach through the shell. How long has that been in the sim, just waiting to be activated?
Meanwhile, we have been made aware that Chet Takahashi is now the personal enemy of the Boston Flowers. See, the Squiddish Smokey Wooden Egg of Strength originally belonged to Jacob Haynes, only for it to be stolen by Chet Takahashi via the Tunnels on day 95 of last season. Then, on Monday, after damaging the egg defending against a consumer, Chet immediately faxed out, possibly to avoid the wrath of the Flowers.
Later, after Chet faxed back in, we had the Boston Flowers over for a watch party, because they’d sent over a poster with pretty watercolor flowers… and words that went something like “[…]if you break that [egg] youll [sic] be in big trouble chet. you will never see the light of day [again].” We told them that Chet had already painted a little skull on the egg and given it a lime green scarf. They were scandalized.
Parker MacMillan roamed onto the Hades Tigers, leaving the Seattle Garages Unstable. The Tigers are Fireproof, so when Parker leaves them, it won’t really matter.
Feeding The Black Hole
We seem to be particularly good at redacting rules. And, apparently, objects: within one game the Firefighters nullified a Hot Lucky Ring that was held by Stout Schmitt, and we redacted Sum Sun and Hype Train.
In order, Community Chest, Based Evolution, the Underbracket, Bird Hotel, Sun .1, Stables, Voicemail, Thieves’ Guild, and Wild Cards – as well as a number of individual items which I’m not listing because there’s too many of them and they’re not as important to read about here – have also disappeared. Stadium renovations are also in the line of fire: the Steaks’ Big Buckets and the Wings’ Hoops were eaten. Coffee served at The Oven will now be made without Sweetener.
We will miss Voicemail. We will not miss Thieves’ Guild.
Sun 30 – which had been nullified earlier – triggered several times overnight. It had to be manually removed once the devs woke up.
On The Corners
Meanwhile, on the depth chart, the Canada Moist Talkers headed for their “Moist God”, skating directly upwards against the wall to join the Hall. When they hit the corner, they met a certain giant squid at the door.
your pals are inside
can’t let you in yet
The Squid also said that it is busy with helping everyone else, but that it wants the Talkers to “stay near”.
The Coin commented “Where do you think you’re going?”, but it was unclear who this was referring to – whether it was the Canada Moist Talkers hitting the corner or the Philly Pies heading directly through the center and then running off.
The Ohio Worms hit the bottom left corner, their “wormhole”, and – while we’re not certain of this correlation – this seems to have been the impetus for an “EMERGENCY ALERT / SALMON RUN UPSTREAM / HARVEST TRACKING INITIATED”. The coin insisted that “This is no reason to panic” while, again, clearly panicking.
For their part, the salmon gave us the ability to page back and forth through the map history so as to view our historic trajectory. You can also now click the Black Hole (Black Hole) on the map and it will show the rules it’s eaten.
The Carolina Queens and then the Atlantis Georgias headed for the Vault corner. Shortly afterwards, a new blacked-out entry was added to the first book of Pre-History II, at the very beginning of season AA. Efforts to fish it out are ongoing.
Later, the Hellmouth Sunbeams narrowly outpaced us in our mutual race to hit the desert/Reader corner, and – with a Feed message saying “SUNBEAMS, TOUCH DOWN” – the entire team was given the Scattered modifier and had everyone’s names all turned to dashes. Including their team name. They are now the ——— ———. But this Scattered’s description is different from other instances of Scattered: “This Team is Scattered across the Desert.”
We came in afterwards because, with an abundance of caution, we steered around whatever was in the center of the map, and they didn’t. Welp. Guess Spies dodge plot relevance yet again.
They were then greeted with glowing purple text, which I will reproduce in full because it will be extremely relevant to where we’re going next:
charge the mound
trust the process
(The Coin said “We overestimated you, Sunbeams.” The Hellmouth Sunbeams have a saying: “Never estimate the Beams”. The Coin has officially estimated them. They are, among other things, deeply offended.)
Now. Here’s the theory. The map is rotating clockwise little by little. It will eventually reach 45 degrees of tilt, making this a Blaseball diamond with the desert as home plate.
And charging the mound means you run up to the pitcher and start a fight.
We’re hitting the corner, just to make sure it “counts” and to redact ourselves just like we’ve always dreamed of doing, but once we’re scattered we’re gunning straight towards the center. We’re punching a !@#$ing coin.