filed by Agent O
It’s Tuesday. It’s still Tuesday. Over the last unknowable unit of time we have won 9 games and lost 14.
An Eternal Friday
The Hawaii Fridays always consciously tried to have good vibes. And I don’t mean that in the Curated Instagram Life sense; I mean they did their best to live it, really and truly. It is difficult work to create and maintain a Vibe like that, doubly so in a game that pushes people to the edge like this on a regular basis. It’s even more delicate work to make sure it doesn’t crush criticism or leave people out. And yet they were doing it, somehow. Even to the end. They went down still partying.
We send our love and our condolences.
The Squid guided them into the Hall. The Ticker commemorated them. The Coin was, as usual, a !@#$ about the whole affair. But at this point we expect that.
Incidentally, it was pointed out to me that, in a bitter twist of fate, the first two teams incinerated were also the first two teams to ever have witnessed an ingame incineration: it was the Fridays’ Fitzgerald Massey, who was burnt away in a game against the Mints at the beginning of Season 2.
Also, Bright Zimmerman is dead as well. Zimmerman was a Jordan Hildebert-style pitcher who the Philly Pies and the Canada Moist Talkers both despised for it. He can rest in violence, I suppose, as well.
The death of the Fridays made the Baltimore Crabs Unstable. After several games’ worth of nailbiting, however, the Crabs survived and became Stable again.
Observation and Redaction are plentiful this season.
Agan Espinoza was Redacted, became an Attractor, and was batted into the shadows of the Chicago Firefighters. It feels appropriate for the Firefighters to have the Fire Protector.
Dimi Blather of the Maryland Squirrels – who was Pre-History dead – went and haunted Kennedy Loser, entered a Secret Base, and was promptly redacted. Kennedy Loser is not redacted, but could not be reached for comment.
Mike Townsend, Ziwa Mueller, Herring Winfield, Bees Taswell, and Christian Combs were also redacted.
Parker MacMillan was chewed on by Consumers, reduced all the way down to one soul, but was never actually redacted.
Castillo Turner Super Roamed out of the Hall of Flame and decided to join the Philly Pies, just in time for Parker to leave them and roam to the Seattle Garages, leaving the Pies unstable. For their part, the Philly Pies survived this, just in time for Parker MacMillan to roam back to their team.
Chet Takahashi faxed in and then faxed out shortly afterwards.
Over the last hour or so before Earlsiesta, the Anchor began tweeting about hearing increasingly loud noises, to which the Commissioner responded with first confusion and then fear.
The Earlsiesta proper began with the Coin assuring us that the Consumer reports were great, so surely everything would be fine, right?
BLACK HOLE (BLACK HOLE) DRAINS
PULSAR (PULSAR) BEAMS
“No – Wait – Okay no one panic”, the Coin said, while clearly panicking. “This is fine”.
Only to be abruptly pushed aside by…
It is at this point that Parker tweeted at the Microphone for help —
— and was given a direct line to the site itself.
The Microphone’s icon appeared, as did the following text on Twitter and the site simultaneously:
This is Parker MacMillan IIIII speaking
I’m not sure what’s happening
I don’t know if we can fix it
But I know She doesn’t care what happens to you
She doesn’t care where you end up
It’s not fair
You deserve a say
But you gotta go fast
Don’t give up
Help each other
So we did.
Picking Up The Red Phone
We saw that the Depth chart had been replaced with a Map, the Election with Steer, and the Gift Shop with Aid. Each corner of the map has a location and a picture associated with it: The Vault with Crates in the top left, the Hall with a strange logo of a pulsar (?) in the top right, the Horizon with a square black hole in the bottom left, and the Desert with the Reader’s eye in the bottom right. Teams’ position on the depth chart seems to have been directly transferred onto the Map. The Supernova Eclipse, of course, is dead center.
Steering is a vote within each team with the four options Vault, Hall, Horizon, and Desert, and Aid is the ability to give coins to other teams to help propel them.
We picked up the red phone (a ping role in our sideserver reserved for emergencies) to summon every Agent we could. Within fifteen minutes our poll for which direction to go had already reached fifty responses. Within thirty minutes we had dumped every vote we could towards the first thing that emerged as something anyone had a preference for, the Desert, and threw millions of coins towards every team we could.
Then we were told that actually, we had the rest of the season to decide.
Glood and Levil
While this was happening, others ventured into the League Standings and found that we had been arranged into new leagues, based on the Map: Glood and Levil.
There were two new rules as well: Black Hole(Black Hole), and Pulsar(Pulsar).
In the next game, we realized that the Consumers were gone. A game late for Commissioner Vapor, unfortunately, who’d gotten chewed on.
Supermassive Black Hole
On the first game of midseason, a new type of weather called Black Hole(Black Hole) emerged from Jazz weather. Its icon spins unless you have Reduced Motion turned on in your settings.
The Houston Spies, of course, were the first to figure out what this does.
During a game where we hovered at eight or nine runs for several innings, the entire primary watch party channel on the main Blaseball Discord was glued to our game, as our players failed to score a tenth run for several minutes. Fans from other teams asked how we could possibly stand this kind of tension all the time. For me, it’s knowing that this is all part of the Plan, somehow. Gods only know how. But somehow.
Then Commissioner Vapor batted in our tenth run. The Black Hole(Black Hole) “became Agitated”, ate our ten runs, and “nullified Tunnels” – which is to say that that it deleted the Tunnels rule from the entire League’s Active Rules.
I, for one, look forward to seeing how the Anchor tries to explain this happening without mentioning the Spies.
Tunnels were rapidly followed down the drain by Maximum Sun, Balloons, and Free Wills.
And then Turntables.
Turning wins back into positive wins.
Just in time for Alexandria Rosales to return from Elsewhere, Scattered and thus massively boosted by Undefined.
We’re still running that poll about our ultimate fate, available on both the main Blaseball Discord server and our sideserver. We want your responses!
There’s speculation that we may need to steer around the Supernova Black Hole in the center of the map.
If figuring out how to vote/steer is too much to keep track of, that’s okay. Donating to Aid for other teams, to try and keep them topped off, is just as important – we think Aid might be fuel. (Note, though, that any donations past 100% are entirely wasted.)
I won’t promise what I can’t provide, so I cannot assure you that things will be okay, but right now we’re all here. And that’s something worth holding onto.