Season 24 Monday: The Breath Mints are incinerated. Parker is spreading instability. The Depth Chart de-inverts. All we can do is watch.

filed by Agent O

Things are not fine. To pretend otherwise would be the height of foolishness. And, honestly? I’m scared too.

Over the last unknowable unit of time we have won 3 games and lost 4.

This Season Brought To You By The Bureau of Unity

Yes, that’s our Bureau of Unity as the headline sponsor of this season. We have a training coming up on Thursday – you still have a little time to sign up here.

We can’t tell you what blessing we might or might not have sponsored, though, because the Season 24 Election has been “delayed by Executive Action”. The only thing visible on the election page is a countdown to earlsiesta.


While Silvaire Roadhouse continues to carry the Unstable-type Debt, Niq Nyong’o – who has just been resurrected – has Observed-type Debt. No hit-and-Observed player has yet been redacted.

One theory suggests that, given the context, Silvaire may have been forcibly made responsible for a fragment of the Coin’s debt via accounting shenanigans. The “Niqromancy” resulting in Debt has no such extenuating circumstances.


With the disappearance of Sun(Sun) and the presence of Turntables, wins are again turned into unwins. However, Sun 2 and Sun 30 both still grant wins, resulting in the league standings being utter nonsense. At the extremes, Atlantis Georgias have +1 wins on a record of 2-6, and the Charleston Shoe Thieves have -7 wins on a record of 6-2. The Spies presently have -1 wins, somehow. Spies unwin?

The consumer attacks have been plentiful, ever since the de-inversion of the league has revealed that apparently they can fly. There’s been a joke or two about Sharknado. According to the depth chart, unwins now carry us up into consumer territory.

The Canada Moist Talkers began the season on the right edge of said depth chart, giving rise to corresponding jokes about them “licking the wall”.

…Speaking of the depth chart, why is there a picture of the coin and the supernova in the exact center of it? Is something going to happen if a team goes there?

Supernova Eclipse

There’s a new type of weather this season, called Supernova Eclipse. Its icon is that of the square supernova from the exhibition match, encroached upon by a shadow on the left. It comes with an even higher chance of incinerations than solar eclipses.

And it can incinerate teams.

The Kansas City Breath Mints were incinerated on day 3. They were neither Unstable nor Roamed to – in fact, they’d acquired Roamless Crates like we did. Everyone on the team died, except for Rodriguez Internet and Leach Ingram, who escaped to their successor, the Oxford Paws.

The Squid offered the team the opportunity to “beat the heat” in the deep-ocean Trench where the Hall of Flame is located, and then told the now twice-self-resurrected Agent Pudge Nakamoto that the “door’s always open” to them.

Sundaes did not pay out when the Mints were incinerated. I have been informed that this was a bug.

Mints: you were a good team with terrifyingly good organizational skills. We salute you. May the Hall of Flame treat you well.

Player Incinerations

Adalberto Tosser.

Tot Clark.

May death reunite you with those you loved. May you find shelter from sweltering suns and dancing flames in the deepest reaches of the sea.

Rest in violence.

Objective: Survive

It hardly matters to us who wins this season. We just want to make it through.

This being said, probabilistically speaking, while death is on the horizon, it is by no means certain. I’ll present a back-of-the-envelope probability calculation that is based on relatively little fact, but that I’m showing because it helped me think about it in a less panicked manner. Two to three team incinerations per day would be 10-15 teams, rounded down a bit because of the possibility of a new team being incinerated again, out of 24, works out to roughly 1/2. Thus making our chances a coinflip… just like a certain microphone once said.

Parker roams at the end of game 9. He will leave the Hawaii Fridays unstable. He will join another team and, later, leave them unstable as well. Things will continue in this vein for the rest of the season.

We will not pretend that any of this is acceptable. Because it’s not. It’s a slow-moving disaster with a body count seriously threatening to reach a hundred before all this is over.

But with Wills now gone entirely and the sun exploded, with the weather forecasts nearly useless because they’re all full of unpredictable jazz, with teams being incinerated randomly without a lick of instability or warning beforehand, it is clear that we, the fans, have very little control over what happens next.

And so we hold hands and stare into the flames.

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