filed by Agent O
Greetings from inside our fax machine! We have received news that this Onseason will again only last two seasons, which only makes the impending exhibition match more ominous.
(Over the last finite but uncountable units of time we have won 3 games and lost 5.)
Office Equipment Party Time
The Spies continue to enjoy (?) the fruits of our defense being a dumpster fire. Chet Takahashi was faxed out within two innings of showing up to their first game in [REDACTED], thanks to Agent Jomgy Rolsenthal and Qais Dogwalker of memetic fame collaborating with the rest of the Miami Dale on trouncing us utterly in a 16-run… thing that happened. I certainly can’t call it a ball game. Bennett Bluesky emerged from the fax machine none the worse for wear, sending our pitching skyrocketing back upwards into the best of the best.
Unfortunately, no amount of pitcher improvements are going to make our defense any better. To achieve that, we’d need repeated shutouts of our batting lineup for repeated voicemails. Still, given how much this is improving our pitching, I say Winnie Hess should be trembling in her horseshoes.
Jazz and the Like
There is a new weather type called Jazz. Upon the first pitch of a game, Jazz transforms (“riffs”) into a random weather type. I suspect this is to interfere with schedule datamining for weather.
But Jazz weather has another trick. In a game on day 7 between the Canada Moist Talkers and Hawaii Fridays, Polarity+ weather, instead of flipping to Polarity-, turned into Jazz. Confusion rapidly turned into fear when Jazz proceeded to riff the weather into… Solar Eclipse.
Shortly afterwards, the Boston Flowers slammed headlong into an Equal Sun activation that turned a losing game into a winning one. Chambers Kennedy’s last-out home run turned into five runs to tie up the game, and the Boston Flowers ended up shaming the Chicago Firefighters as a result.
Speaking of the Flowers, the Fifth Base has been passed around the Flowers at least twice per game for the first several games of this season, due to the Flowers having numerous Traitor items. The Flowers are, naturally, terrified.
Meanwhile, under the Sum Sun, a Wild Wings inning in which 3 runs were actually scored (and one run was stolen from them with Tunnels) somehow turned into 8 scoreboard points. Whoever thinks they can explain how this happened, have at it. I give up.
The More Things Change…
The layout of this season’s election is… unconventional. There are no Decrees and no Wills. Instead, we are receiving Party Favors, which I guess are sort of kind of a little like Wills? They appear as a stack of Crates’ crates with associated icons pasted on each box. The one that gets the most votes will be applied to our team.
(The Chicago Firefighters are spearheading an operation to get as many teams as possible to acquire Roamless Crates, the Favor that prevents Roamers from joining one’s team. This is because if Parker Macmillan cannot roam to any teams, he cannot make any teams unstable.)
The Blessings are an assortment of greatest hits: one blessing from each season of Blaseball. Precognition. Lottery Pick. Iffey Jr. Uncle Indemnity (which we still want, by the way). Underhanded. A blessing called Enhance, labeled as coming through a temporal rift from the yet-to-begin Season 24.
And an unlabeled XIII, from that one election with the tarot cards. Which, for reference, is the tarot card for Death.
The Coin announced that the upcoming exhibition match will last 50 innings to celebrate fifty years. (Incidentally, this matches up with a full Material Plane year of Blaseball existing.)
The average nine-inning game lasts between 20 and 30 minutes. Simple multiplication suggests, then, that a 50-inning game could break 2 hours. There is a completely redacted entry in the Forbidden Book about what happens if a game lasts longer than 2 hours, and I suspect we will uncover this redaction’s contents the hard way.
So: Good luck and good sense. We’ll be needing both.