Season 13 Thursday: Elsewhere. Boreal. Theodore Holloway was incinerated.

Our very own Theodore “Teddy” Holloway was incinerated on day 77.

…Do the standings even matter, then? Eh, consistency and routine helps. We won 15 games and lost 9. And we have a serious shot at the playoffs.

I, uh. Look. I already had half the debrief written. Can I just leave it here and then we can be sad? If you want to skip it, scroll down to the next horizontal line.


Andrew Solis, our long-term embedded agent with the New York Millenials, was also swept away by an Immaterial flood for several days. When he returned, he was similarly unable to describe what he saw. From our observations, individuals who have spent too long Elsewhere return Scattered, an unknown modification with unknown effects. It is, thankfully, temporary.

Scattered also makes one return with letters missing from their official name: for example, Pitching Machine returned as Pi-ching -ac–ne. These letters return over time.

We have not yet seen Scattered have any other effects.

Our Boreal

We received a ballpark with the Boreal preset, as was our backup plan. We now play home games at our own ballpark, which we plan to upgrade/customize soon to better suit our strengths.

Each ballpark comes with a set of statistics, which have names like viscosity, grandiosity, and inconvenience. We have no idea what the stats mean. There’s some speculat

One Possible Narrative

This is the way it went. This is not the way it went. The Agency’s files are labyrinthine and the stories are difficult to piece together. But, maybe –

Before this game, Fitzgerald Blackburn did not dance through the clubroom whistling showtunes as per usual. Instead, they hugged Teddy, whispered something in their ear, and offered an ice cream, which Teddy ate slowly and silently.

Neither Teddy nor Fitz explained what they were doing, or why.

Teddy played well that day. They smiled as they caught flyouts. They patted Denzel’s shell as they ran by.

There was a flash of light.

There was fire.

There was smoke.

After the smoke cleared, there was an inanimate teddy bear with slightly singed fur. Alexandria Rosales picked it up and carried it off the field.


Reese Clark ate umpire fire, became Magmatic, and the next day, hit a solo home run. I’d like to think that they sat down afterwards, tears sizzling off their still-cooling face, and said: “Rest in violence, Teddy. Rest in [REDACTED] violence.”

The roster now has someone named “Norris Firestar” on it. Who is mechanically well below average. Whether the team falls apart after this, or does their best to make it to the playoffs for Teddy, we do not yet know.

Unofficial Official Unofficial Statement

Theodore “Teddy” Holloway was a fearless and dedicated Blaseball player and an equally fearless and dedicated Agent. Teddy enjoyed roller derby with Alexandria Rosales, and taught Karato Bean and Son Scotch skateboarding. On occasions where Reese Clark tried to prank them, they pranked Reese right back. They considered the Spies to be their family.

They will be dearly missed.

Flowers, letters, after-action reports, and other offerings may be offered to your nearest bonfire or incineration chute. They will be carried away, somewhere, by the smoke.

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