We are officially in the playoffs, Spies.

Of course, this carries new meaning now that we know what awaits us following the final championship game: a battle with the Shelled One, from which players return cursed and weaker than they were before. We would dearly love to taste the sweet nectar of a championship, but given this season’s rampant bloodsucking, it may be out of our reach. Also, we do not want to be cursed. There is also the potential for a supposed “blessing” to forcibly relocate three of our comrades to other teams. We’re not saying we should throw any games; that would be bad. But think about it. Think about secrets. Think about having to play for our rivals, the Seattle Garages. How charming they are, how kind. That would be simply terrible.

Speaking of bloodsucking, Denzel, Malik, and Math all experience drains over the past unknowable unit of time. Glabe Moon of the Boston Flowers drained Denzel’s defense and Malik’s hitting on Day 74, and Isaac Johnson of the Chicago Firefighters drained Math’s defense on Day 76.

We would like to humbly request that everyone stop sucking our blood. We are running low on cookies and orange juice, to say nothing of our defense. Our defense was once our greatest strength. Please stop sucking it away.

We will be watching the playoffs. We will be conflicted. We will win.

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