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Debriefings

THE ILB FIGHTS AND KILLS GOD (NOT CLICKBAIT)

Well, Spies, we have made it past the postseason.

I say “past” because we were in fact eliminated in our five-game series against the San Francisco Lovers in the playoffs. Congratulations to the Lovers. Congratulations to us for not having to face the PODS.

Naturally, the championship was not a simple, straight-forward event. Following yet another showdown between the Charleston Shoe Thieves and the Baltimore Crabs, the Crabs secured the championship title and therefore their own ascension. Before ascension could begin, the Shelled One arrived, taunting that they were not worthy to ascend, and that they would first have to face the PODS.

The Crabs were demolished in one hit. But following several messages from the Microphone—including one stating that it had “made a deal” and another reading, “Let’s go kill god”—the Hall Monitor arrived, along with a new team of previously incinerated players, to take on the Shelled One.

After a long and difficult fight, the Hall Stars were victorious. The Monitor ended the reign of the Shelled One with a satisfying cronch before stating that the Boss was on the way and that we might want to clean up.

Does anyone else get the feeling that behind every god is another god just waiting to step into the power vacuum? Like, what do we know about the Hall Monitor, really? Can we trust this? And what’s this about a Boss? Seems real sus, if you ask me, but I’m just the person who writes these news briefings and, judging by the look my supervisor is giving me, who knows if I’ll have that job much longer.

Well, stay safe, Spies. Win and all that. But mostly stay safe—the saying, “better the devil you know,” exists for a reason, after all, and what’s the devil but another powerful being we don’t fully understand?

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