Welcome to Season 11, Spies.

To attempt to sum up the events of the previous unknowable unit of time in a short, digestible format is a fool’s errand. Thankfully, I am in fact a fool.

First, and perhaps most pressing, is the Ascension of the Baltimore Crabs. We have finally seen Ascension—the Crabs have been Called Up to a higher purpose, one that remains yet a mystery to us. The ILB has maintained the number of teams through the introduction of a new one: the Tokyo Lift. Welcome, Lift. We look forward to reading your dossiers.

Operation PEAPOD was, like all Spies missions, a success. According to witness reports, the Pods fell back to the Immaterial Plane (and onto new teams) before any could be snatched by blessings and therefore freed. We knew this would happen, as we know all things that have, are, and will happen. We were not surprised. We are never surprised. We did not wail and gnash our teeth at having another successful plan thwarted by the unthinking whims of a chaotic universe. Any reports you have heard to the contrary are falsified by our enemies.

All Hall Monitor players have been Released, with the Microphone suggesting that this gives them an opportunity to rest. We know what this means but have chosen not to share it.

Sharp eyes may notice that the Spies winning the Popular by Association blessing was part of Operation PEAPOD. Sharp eyes may also notice that, in fact, the San Francisco Lovers won that blessing. This is all according to plan, as the Shelled One’s Pods were redistributed prior to the blessing being awarded. We knew this would happen and are therefore not upset about it. We are never upset. Condolences and other expressions of sympathy may be delivered to the usual address.

Despite not winning any blessings this season, the Spies still managed to benefit from one blessing and benefit from another. The Hellmouth Sunbeams secured the Divisional Walk in the Park blessing, which, as fellow Wild Low denizens, also benefits us. We now walk on three balls instead of four. The Unlimited Tacos secured Stealing Signs, improving the Wild Low division’s hitting by 10% and impairing its pitching by 5%. We are excited to see the outrageous hits we will do this season but ouch, our pitching could have used some help already.

One final note: congratulations to the Hawai’i for winning People’s Champions and rocketing that dastardly clone Evelton McBlase II into space with the Crabs. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Good luck, Spies. We are, as always, the problem.

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