Welcome to Season 13, Agents. Isn’t thirteen an auspicious number? Wait, it isn’t?
In the past unknowable unit of time, we have won 9 games and lost 1. An exceptionally good record that is likely to be absolutely crushed by regression to the mean.
Pickles and Pretzels
The first development was the Squid, now in a very cute chef’s hat, introducing three new snacks:
- Pickles, which pay out when your Idol steals a base.
- The Slushie, which pays out whenever any player is swept Elsewhere by a flood.
- And wet pretzels, which pay out whenever a Black Hole swallows a win anywhere in the League. Incidentally, the wet pretzel’s image being that of a donut is because of this post where Janelle Shane got GPT-3 to make blaseball teams.
The snack pack’s limit of eight items at a time remains in force; there are several opinions on which snack configuration is most banana nut muffins — er, I mean optimal.
Our current star rating totals are a bit absurd. Our legendary defense is long gone, but our batting is now among the best, and our pitching is deceptively good despite being middle-of-the-pack in the nominal star ratings.
In particular, Knight Triumphant again, we’re pretty sure the Lovers are going to take them back with the next election, but we can enjoy them while this lasts. Anyway, Knight is doing work. Unfortunately, this has included taking a good long sip from Ayanna Dumpington of the Tokyo Lift. The Lift really don’t need to get any worse!
The strength of our lineup has resulted in us winning a lot of games, most notably a game against the Atlantis Georgias on Day 5 where we utterly broke them with a final score of 12-1. I almost feel like we should apologize. Almost.
The Microphone appears to have been water-damaged, and is now struggling to stay coherent – it says that it is “getting scattered”. Worrying. If the only representative the players in the ILB have in the realms of the gods is damaged…
Beasley Day, who had been stuck Elsewhere at the end of the previous season and at the beginning of this one, came back with the modification of “Scattered”. This resulted in Beasley’s name being truncated (said name displayed as “-easley Day” for the duration of being Scattered) and Beasley’s Vibes simply not displaying on the page at all. This lasted for several unknowable units of time and eventually dissipated. As per usual, we have no idea what this actually means.
Though – there’s some speculation that Scattered may in fact be like Unstable – that it could do something very bad if it intersects with certain other conditions on the field. We haven’t seen anything of the sort happen. Yet.
Our players’ standard issue trenchcoats now sport inflatable shoulderpads, and a button with a compass hidden inside (yes, those actually exist). But no matter how much we do, we cannot protect them from Flooding. We are doing everything we can, and must hope that they are minimally shaken by the experience when they return.
Denzel Scott remains Shelled. Strangely, though birds frequently circle the field in many other games that feature them, they seem to have no interest in actually looking for peanuts in games where players are Shelled. Fans have taken to chanting “pspspsps” when watching games with birds, in an attempt to attract them.
Spies win. But maybe we actually win, this time.