filed by the Debriefings staff
As several plotlines have come to a head simultaneously, no one writer can possibly cover the entirety of the events that have happened today, so this is a patchwork of sections written by almost every Agent on our writing staff. In between the voicemails, cacti, and pickled herring, the Spies have won 13 games and lost 7.
Renovations and Gifts
filed by the Morale Officer
The three stadium renovations the team ended up purchasing for [REDACTED] were, as expected, Bird Hotel, Ballpark Cleanup, and Voicemail. Bird Hotel and Voicemail were promptly ratified into Non-Physical Law, as were our previously constructed Balloons, making this season’s stadium changes net negative eDensity. Rumor has it that Bird Hotel’s effects are caused by, rather than causing, Partying. Perhaps with avian approval, we can follow the lead of our newest vaporous commissioner-player and engage in some League-mandated partytime despite previous policy.
Topping the Spies fans’ gift wishlist, in both polling and in coin-ensured fact, were Fireproof, Bargain Bin, and Early to the Party, Team Edition. Fireproof will hopefully protect us from the effects of Silvaire Roadhouse’s Debt and another instability chaining through the League. The Bargain Bin disgorged for the Spies a Clutch Wooden Rock Ring, which has been placed on Bennett Bluesky’s finger… as well as the fingers of four other players, simultaneously. As a pitcher, Bennett Bluesky gains little from the accompanying High Pressure mod, but perhaps this will give them a conversation-starter with Ruslan Greatness, who may not have realized the impact the My Roomie Ruslan show was having on Morrow Wilson. And Early to the Party will, we hope, secure for the team the shortest amount of time in season 21 playoffs possible, so that we can rebuild our team for true playoff competitiveness without in the meantime enduring too many consumer attacks, peanut reactions, shellings, cannons, sweepings, gamma radiation, and who knows what else.
This latesiesta also saw the Houston Spies as one of the Baltimore Crabs’ top gift contributors, and Valentine Games II, alias February, join the LA Unlimited Tacos. The San Francisco Lovers and Ohio Worms both obtained both detective replicas (Uncle Plasma and Liquid Friend), and the Ohio Worms and the Atlantis Georgias additionally both obtained replicas of Chorby Soul, each equipped with an item called Chorby’s Soul. Chorby’s Soul is a ring that contains an enormous amount of eDensity, as well as a RAM modification (perhaps a memory upgrade as a nod to the old soulscream memory overflow issue), and is indicated to be specifically for a batter. Yes, the Worms and Georgias both acquired a very heavy Batter Ring RAM.
The Dynamic Duo of Shark-Punchers
filed by Agent Pillar
In what was to be the first of many eventful moments following the latesiesta, the league as a whole learned that the Dynamic Duo of Uncle Plasma and Liquid Friend were not only detectives, but apparently moonlight as a duo of professional wrestlers. Demonstrating their combined strength, they’ve dropkicked, tossed, and powerbombed consumers into submission time and time again since being released from the Vault. The new revelation of our dynamic detective duo’s fish fighting finesse only makes the name of the Undertaker mod funnier to me, and I hope that a player with the mod gets to no-sell a shark attack one day.
@commishgoogles claims that graffiti on the Wormhole’s front sign has supplemented “The Wapakoneta Air, Space, and Worm Museum and Ballpark” with “AND SHARK PUNCHING CENTER”.
found crumpled in a trash can
Because the Atlantis Georgias have a team modification that makes all held items negatively eDense, their acquisition of a Chorby Soul has, instead of making them sink, rocketed them upwards. I suppose that’s appropriate. Their stadium is nicknamed The Bubble, after all.
After only a few games, the Georgias were already floating at the top of the depth chart, ensconced within a purple circle (a bubble?) in the field of cacti / top end zone / least eDensity.
It is at this point that we found that blaseball0.com, having previously contained a single emoji of a cactus, now contained a field of black-and-white cacti. After a zoom-and-enhance, we found that one of the cacti was hiding the 8-blood blagonball. We now have the blagonballs of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, and 9 bloods. Are we only missing the 7-blood? Or are we missing an unknown number of blagonballs containing even more bloods within?
The Worms Tunnel Downwards
filed by Agent Pony
As The Bubble ascends above the noodle, it seems like our Wild Low friends, the Ohio Worms, decided to speedrun their descent (? let’s just assume the direction they’re going is down and work from there) to the gates they presumably came from many seasons ago.
Armed with their recent gifts of Uncle Plasma, Liquid Friend, and Chorby Soul, they sank through the Consumer-infested immateria and hit the gates of blaseball2, much like the Seattle Garages and the New York Millennials before.
Descending this far down through the credit rating doesn’t usually bode well for teams, but the Dynamic Duo that they brought along provided much needed Consumer protection. I personally don’t think the Worms expected getting the replicas of both Detectives would result into one of the most hype-filled moments of this splort since “SALMON CANNONS FIRE CONSUMER EXPELLED”, but I digress.
As the Ohio Worms broke the gate of blaseball2, a lot (and I mean A LOT) of fish spilled out. Specifically, pickled herring. Shortly after, The Monitor showed up briefly.
something smells fishy
how did you know
I guess other than peanuts, The Monitor likes herring too? Personally I haven’t tried herring, so I don’t have an opinion on it yet.
Wait. What do you mean the Worms don’t have a Credit Rating anymore???
Throwing Swedish Fish At The Library
filed by agent kit
Agent Pony is currently staring at some worms burrowing, which means the fact that someone who may or may not be writing a report to hide has spilt some
Swedish Fish red herrings in the library.
It seems that upshelling (colloquially, upnutting) certain events from Hardboiled players will grant you Pickled Herrings. These new snacks can be used to upvote (upscale?) events that have been redacted in The Library, in Players, or in Teams feeds.
Wyatt Mason IV, or Ivy, is one of these players, thanks to them briefly echoing Hard-Boiled last season, and smelling something fishy. Perhaps the detectives knew all along about Blaseball2 being a herring farm. Perhaps it was just the salmon. The Ticker is claiming to have known about these fish the whole time, so why did they not contribute to the investigation?
For those agents with clearance, the specific events to upshell are listed here. In all cases, sort the player’s Feed by Special -> Oldest First.
- Uncle Plasma: 13-G, 14-99, 15-10, 15-15, 15-33, 15-78, 15-104, 16-71
- Liquid Friend: 13-G, 14-99, 15-5, 15-15
- Liquid Friend III: 21-76
- Uncle Plasma II: 21-73
- Wyatt Mason IV: 20-53
If you prefer visual aids, please see this twitter thread from CatStlats.
Since this is a very limited number of available herrings, pick which redacted library entries you want revealed carefully. I assume the limit for unredaction is 1000, as with peanuts. There are several fan campaigns to reveal certain feed entries. Feel free to help as you wish.
filed by Agent O
I see I have returned to find… uh… oh dear.
Well, I suppose there’s nothing for it other than to start in chronological order.
Fitzgerald Blackburn got cannoned elsewhere, and was followed by YHG, who flipped Blackburn negative. Shortly afterwards, Alexandria Rosales was also shot out a salmon cannon. They have yet to return.
Voicemail is shuffling players around. Voicemail triggers on a shutout, swapping the best shadows batter for the worst current batter – most notably, the Mexico City Wild Wings’ Axel Cardenas (famous for refusing to be sent to the Firefighters and boomeranging right back within the same blessing) was sent to the shadow realm for poor performance, but there’s already been a number of other instances. Math Velazquez is currently the best-starred batter in our Shadows, and thus is next in line in case we get shut out again. We may see Math again soon.
Commissioner Vapor was attacked by Consumers. This merely brings them down from transcendently good to extremely good.
A Rogue Umpire tried to incinerate the San Francisco Lovers’ most annoying player, Theo King. Theo has previously been recorded as having “eaten” a ring (not visibly dropping or breaking it; it merely disappeared), and has dodged being Shadowed multiple times. The Lovers being Fireproof due to a Gift, the offending umpire was incinerated instead.
Agent Karato Bean, who is on the San Francisco Lovers, is no longer allergic to peanuts.
As the herring slowly accumulate in the ILB Library, we will undoubtedly see more revelations from the Ancient Histories of Blaseball soon. But which ones? No matter what happens, we will be watching.