Three documents lay haphazardly on the desk before you. One has had several additions hastily scribbled in with a ballpoint pen. Another is a skewed photocopy. A third is stapled upside-down.
Decrees
filed by y
The election results were prefaced with the appearance of the Coin, who seemed less than happy about the fans disregarding her warning. She claimed that the results were “disappointing”, but she “isn’t angry” because we were “misled”. You don’t even need a lie detector to know that the truth value of that statement is effectively zero.
The Trust Fall Decree has passed, as expected. It added a stadium mod called “Turntables” to every Stadium in the ILB, which promises to turn all non-losses into Unwins during the regular season. This means that temporarily(?), we may find ourselves unable to win. Of course, we are more than capable of adapting to any circumstance, so we are expecting to spend the next season unwinning. Please make sure to spread the message of “Spies unwin” throughout the coming unspecified amount of time as opposed to the former slogan.
The implications of this rule change are not entirely clear to laypeople, but we are expecting a very unusual performance from the Houston Spies, as our team prefers to play rather well most of the time. Hopefully we can seize this opportunity and send our players into partytime whether they like it or not.
Another Decree that passed is Ratification, which turned the Hotel Motel and the newly decreed Turntables (see above) into non-physical League Law, as opposed to individual Stadium Modifications. This should lower our eDensity a little bit, and possibly further lower it in the future, if certain modifications become popular enough across the league and thus get ratified.
Lastly, the Hype Train also passed. This will allow turning applying shame to your opponents into Hype at the Stadium. We, of course, fully understand what that implies, but are unable to disclose that information at this moment. Wait, what information?
Our top researchers and supercomputers are currently trying to figure out the full implications of Trust Fall, and what it would do to the League in the long-term. We will keep a watchful eye on the state of the league and the gates of Blaseball 2 over the course of the next two seasons.
Wills
filed by Agent L
Our ‘two main wills’ strategy ran aground this season, after a few perfect strikes, through no fault of our own. A 3% chance came out of the hopper first, Alt-Trusting Yrjö up to 10 stars and giving erm Alternate and Negative. That’s one of the newer modifications we’ve seen: it clearly turns a player’s soulscream upside down, and seems to negate their eDensity into…eBuoyancy? In effect, ey will be a flying swan, eir negative eDensity providing a flotation device against the force of our crowded Shadows.
Speaking of the shadows, our second Will moved Yrjö into the Shadows for Sosa Hayes. He’s grown stronger, and taller, and has acquired a new bandana somehow. He says it was a gift, and a reminder of a longstanding promise. A promise that many Spies hope to fulfill later this threeson. A promise to one Donia Bailey.
Blessings/Other Wills
filed by the Morale Officer
This was an interesting election and made more interesting by my waking up yesterday morning with an induced-amnesia hangover and a note in my own handwriting to not look into what happened during playoffs.
The Houston Spies won four blessings:
- giving Alexandria Rosales the modification Undefined (playing 50 to 100% better while Scattered… which would be more useful if pitchers could become scattered);
- boosting the pitching of all of our Shadow players… well, most. Morrow Wilson is determined to stay retired and took a hit down to 0.1 pitching stars. Becker Solis’s pitching also dropped, leaving Chet Takahashi and Mohammed Picklestein the two players in the Spies Shadows with the highest Pitching stars, at 3.7 each;
- distributing bats, including bats of rubber, plastic, aluminum, and rock–and two of Vitality– to almost all of our players in the Shadows; and
- sorting our lineup by Divinity descending.
This last was a classic situation of the Houston Spies getting a blessing that is superficially bad for us. After all, the uninitiated might think, the Spies’ lineup order was pretty optimized, with our player most likely to hit a home run in the fourth “cleanup” position, maximizing the possibility of a grand slam. It’s very likely that the vote that was drawn was from fans who voted early in the season, when the description for the blessing was a much-more-appealing 10% Divinity boost for the team. But, of course, this roster re-sort is in fact All Part of the Plan, and therefore good for the Spies! In some way. Somehow. Definitionally.
In other news of potential interest or at least particular interest to me:
- Hot and Cold Fries have joined the list of snacks fans can purchase
- Nerd Pacheco has entered the Shadows following relentless persecution by the game
- Ruslan Greatness My Beloathed now wears a slimy hot helmet
- Jaylen Hotdogfingers is batting for the Boston Flowers
- Richmond Harrison is on the Miami Dale
- Sexton Wheerer is back with the LA Unlimited Tacos
- Harrell is out and has a skate board
- Tad Seeth is roamin’ from Shadows to Shadows
- Ivy (Wyatt Mason IV) is now pitching
- the Kansas City Breath Mints took Jacob Haynes from the Boston Flowers
- the Seattle Garages took Avila Guzman from the Hellmouth Sunbeams
- NaN is revoked and on the Flowers
- Jessica Telephone (yes, that Jessica Telephone), Brisket Friendo, and Anathema Elemefayo have been alternated
- Esme Ramsey’s mod Haunted got rerolled into Flippers
- Baby Doyle was given a Careful Fireproof Necklace
- Theodore Duende is now in the Garages shadows.
Last but not least, thanks to Roamin’, Jasper Blather roamed to a new team: us.