Good time of day, Agents. Over the last unknowable unit of time we have won 12 games and lost 12, returning to our more usual perfectly balanced performance.
Meanwhile, the New York Millenials have been the first to make it to Party Time this season, there have been numerous Eclipses, and Reverb has seriously wobbled several other teams. Hopefully we are not next.
The Feed – the list of recent events – has recently received the upgrade that people can now “upshell” events by throwing peanuts at them, to mark their importance. Many Blaseball fans immediately decided to call it an “upnut” because that’s a funnier name for it. Recently, we saw a certain Lōotcrates’ Twitter account tweet “We’re loving it!” – a message that had been upshelled 1,000 times on the Feed. People then mobilized to upshell a message of encouragement to a certain pair of detectives:
Help Us help you
You tell Us what you need.
We know you’re doing your best
OVER AND OUT
The next message people want to show up on Lōotcrates’ account is, of course, “Peanut Bong”.
Salmon Projectile Intruder Ejection System (SPIES)
We have cleaned up the stadium and installed a Salmon-Propelled Immediate Exfiltration System With Impressive Nomenclature (SPIES WIN), colloquially known as “Salmon Cannons.” The declassified information we based our initial decision-making on stated that Salmon Cannons would “remove pests”. People speculated that Consumers were what were meant by “pests”.
It appears, however, that the Yielding Expedited Extraction Technology (YEET) it runs on has been overtuned, and is interpreting players from the opposing team as pests. Said players are then launched Elsewhere.
The first player to be launched Elsewhere – by someone else’s salmon cannons, not ours – was, in a spectacular coincidence, Fish Summer.
Your humble writer is of the opinion that this was a mistake, but I suppose I’ll have to trust the Plan.