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THE TRIAL OF THE CENTURY

Good morning, Spies.

Long unknowable units of time have passed since your last debriefing. The planets turn, the ILB rests. But I bring to you news of the trial of the century, the New York Millennials v. Commissioner CEO Prime Minister Parker MacMillan III, and That Coin, Probably aka The Boss.

The Millennials filed the suit between Seasons 10 and 11, following the failure of Eat the Rich to deploy. Eat the Rich, a Decree passed in Season 3, reassigned the wealth of the top 1% of Blaseball fans to the bottom 99%. Alleging that the failure of this Decree to deploy infringed on their rights as stated by the Book—and hindered their ability to make rent—the Millennials brought recently named CEO Parker MacMillan III to court.

Millennials v. MacMillan, Part One

An illustration of Judge Keeper Sins.
Judge Keeper Sins. Art by Dalm.

The case was overseen by Judge Keeper Sins. Opening statements from the prosecution claimed that the failure of Eat the Rich to deploy was in violation of the Book and that while Commissioner CEO Prime Minister MacMillan may be doing a great job, that does not absolve him from wrongdoing. They claimed that Wire Fraud was committed and asked that the defendant sign their “totally reasonable settlement document.”

At this point, the case was interrupted by the realization that an ILB player—Case Sports, attorney for the prosecution—was present in the courtroom. Given concerns about the paperwork involved in executing ILB players, and how deadly court sessions can be, Sports was quickly barred from the room.

The defense responded with a number of arguments, some relevant, some irrelevant. Some of these arguments included suggestions that Blaseball fans had misinterpreted the book, that MacMillan defied statistics, and that arguing over coins was not splortsmanship.

Witness EDVA on the stand.
Witness EDVA on the stand. Art by Dalm.

The prosecution called their first witness, DAVE, a fan of the Millennials. Due to the rapid emoji responses in chat, DAVE was quickly renamed EDVA. During the prosecution’s examination, EDVA established that they love both democracy and having coins. When asked how they were, they said, “I’m goo,” which was then taken to be truth by the court.

The defense, with EDVA’s testimony, established that democracy cannot be bought in the Blaseball store. They also established that while EDVA enjoys the additional cashflow allowed by Eat the Rich, they do not depend on it.

An illustration of Goku on the witness stand.
Goku on the witness stand. Art by Dalm.

The defense called their first witness, Goku. After a round of “hi goku”s and a statement that Goku had recently enjoyed soup and seltzer, the defense established, with Goku’s testimony, that MacMillan is everyone’s best friend. Per court stenographer Steven, that means that Goku is friends with a capitalist. Goku continued on to say that he (Goku) is a good dad who loves his friends, and that MacMillan is not guilty. He also stated for the record that he does not know what kissing is.

During cross-examination, the prosecution established that Goku is friends with Bulma as well as at least six gods. He at one point convinced those gods to set up an interdimensional tournament to relieve his own boredom, resulting in the destruction of the losing dimensions. Goku clarified that those dimensions all got better. The prosecution stated that his friendship with MacMillan is the latest in a string of friendships with the wealthy and powerful, suggesting that Goku will overlook crimes on the part of his friends.

Goku confirmed that he loves his friends, even if they used to be bad, and that he would forgive any of them, even for Wire Fraud. He continued to assert that MacMillan was not guilty.

At this point, prosecution attorney Rose asked whether Goku was present in the courtroom. Prosecution attorney Para asked a clarifying question—”Is the question if the witness on the witness stand is Goku?”—to which Carl-Bot replied, “THAT WITNESS IS NOT GOKU.”

Some posts were deleted, leading to the defense alleging that the prosecution was altering the record. At this point, Goku began powering up, but the prosecution called their next witness, KT Ellen, oracle for the Charleston Shoe Thieves.

Artwork of Shoe Thieves oracle KT Ellen.
KT Ellen speaking a prophecy on the stand. Art by Dalm.

The prosecution established that KT has made multiple true prophecies, and asked that she explain Wire Fraud in terms according to Shoe Prophecy. According to KT, wires are the equivalent of shoelaces, and computers are internet shoes. Therefore, Wire Fraud is the equivalent of delacing (a Shoe Thieves colloquial term for incineration) the internet. KT added that, per this definition, she believed that it was possible that MacMillan had committed wire fraud.

The court executioner, Morgan, at this point accidentally attacked a member of the splash zone. The testimony was interrupted by multiple requests for fruit baskets and apples.

As questioning continued, the prosecution established, with KT’s testimony, that “embezzlement” means, “the possession of any item that could at any time belong to any being and/or any item that any being might reasonably believe to belong to them today, yesterday, or on any of tomorrow’s tomorrows,” and that the Shoe Thieves’ definition of Wire Fraud would agree with this definition.

At this point, KT asked permission to prophesy. Permission was granted, and KT said, “SOMEONE HERE TONIGHT WILL BE FOUND GUILTY IN THE EYES OF THIS COURT AND ALL OF THE IMMATERIAL PLANE.”

Executioner Morgan stated that the splash zone was calling for Judge Keeper Sins’ execution. Judge Keeper Sins agreed but was protected by jurisprudence, per court stenographer Steven.

The prosecution rested, opening the floor to the defense. The defense attempted to establish that the internet is not shoes by introducing bonecourse (debate over what is or is not considered a bone). Several objections were raised due to a ban on bonecourse, and these objections were sustained.

KT agreed with the defense that MacMillan is aware of all incinerations, per his Twitter account. At this point, Goku began powering up again, but the questioning continued.

The defense suggested that MacMillan cannot be guilty because listen, Spies, full disclosure here, your humble debrief writer didn’t understand this argument even a little and it would be dishonest to act as though I did, so let’s all agree to pretend this argument is redacted for reasons that aren’t my own ignorance. KT responded that she had not seen MacMillan outside of Twitter. The defense claimed that if KT knew MacMillan from Twitter, that meant that she was equally online—and perhaps more online, given that she is in the Blaseball Discord and MacMillan is not—than the CEO Commissioner Prime Minister himself, making her equally likely to be capable of Wire Fraud.

Goku, at this point, attempted to attack Judge Keeper Sins and failed. Executioner Morgan executed him.

Art showing Executioner Morgan cutting Goku in half.
Executioner Morgan executes Goku. Art by Dalm.

The next witness, called simultaneously by the prosecution and the defense, was SIBR (the Society for Internet Blaseball Research). Questioning was a bit chaotic, as both sides asked questions at the same time and multiple representatives of SIBR spoke in response. To the best of our ability, we have summed up the findings as followed:

  • SIBR probably does not have a crush on MacMillan
  • Seasons 1, 2, 10, and 11 did not trigger Eat the Rich
  • Eat the Rich typically awards the 99% 400 to 500 coins
  • The rich tend to get richer, year over year
  • MacMillan would do nothing wrong
  • Five players with recently recorded names including “Rich” exist
  • Only one “Rich” has been incinerated in ILB history
  • Eat the Rich can represent a significant portion of a given fan’s income

However, this testimony was repeatedly interrupted. Blase Attorney (representing the defense) stated that SIBR wouldn’t have a crush on an innocent man, then hurriedly corrected that she meant a guilty man. Blase Attorney was executed, but was fine as she is immortal.

Ilana (attorney for the prosecution I think) moved to hold the defense in contempt for suspending Eat the Rich in Season 11 without a court order. Judge Keeper Sins responded that it was already holding them in contempt for being a god and also MacMillan, I got pretty confused here too, folks, bear with me.

Attorney Blase was executed again, this time presumably because she inquired as to whether the Hall Monitor eating the Shelled One counted as deployment of Eat the Rich. She was fine, again.

At this point, SIBR introduced several graphs. The math got confusing, and Judge Keeper Sins subsequently banned math from the courtroom. Several qualifying questions were asked, including whether Houston Spies player Math Velazquez was also banned. As all ILB players are banned from the courtroom, this had no effect.

SIBR was removed from the courtroom at this point for the abundance of math happening. A recess was called, during which many animal pictures, primarily cats, were posted. Ump Chaff appeared and asked what the animal was, as he apparently does not know what a cat is.

Chicago Firefighters v. Ump Pope Sunman

Court resumed, but Jossar (attorney for the prosecution) and Elliot (attorney for the defense) switched sides in Feedback, and the case in question switched to be the Chicago/Deerfield Firefighters v. ump_pope_sunman, where the Firefighters alleged that Sunman had incinerated the Firehouse.

Para, attorney for the prosecution, submitted evidence that MacMillan moved the Firefighters to Deerfield from their home in Chicago after the team’s fan Twitter account suggested MacMillan was corrupt.

Several Firefighters fans took the stand. These fans all witnessed the incineration of the Firehouse, allegedly due to the team’s repeated references to Ump Pope Sunman as “Ump Poop Sunman.” The prosecution confirmed that the team was from Chicago and that they had witnessed the incineration, as well as registering their opinion that the incineration was uncalled for. The prosecution called on the witnesses to explain what happened at the Tournament of Power, and they then confirmed that Goku is both a hero and trustworthy.

The defense asked if chat engagement increased post-Firehouse incineration, but the Firefighters claimed it did not. The defense then requested the post-per-minute frequency pre- and post-incineration, but this request was not granted due to the fact that math had been banned and to calculate this would require both numbers and division.

The defense once again confirmed that the Firefighters are from Chic(l)a(w)go, and asked why they refer to Sunman as “Ump Poop Sunman.” The Firefighters explained that it was due to their accent. The defense presented a map that reportedly shows that the world is all Chicago.

A map of the world, colored red to identify all continents as <span class="spoilered" onclick="this.classList.remove('spoilered'); this.classList.add('unspoilered');">Chicago</span> and the oceans as <span class="spoilered" onclick="this.classList.remove('spoilered'); this.classList.add('unspoilered');">Lake Michigan</span>.
Evidence demonstrating the size of Chicago.

Using this evidence, the defense suggested that it could not possibly be their accent making them pronounce Ump Pope Sunman as “Ump Poop Sunman,” as that would mean the entire world pronounces it that way. The Firefighters responded that the map was clearly not representative of the world, as it is missing Tokyo, Hawai’i, and many other regions. The Firefighters were cleared from the stand.

The proceedings were interrupted by the execution of the Court Fool, who had made a joke involving math.

An illustration of Ump Pope Sunman at the stand.
Ump Pope Sunman takes the stand. Art by Dalm.

Ump Pope Sunman was then called to the stand by the prosecution. When the prosecution asked if Sunman incinerated the Firehouse, Sunman asked to phone a friend, and Ump Chaff joined him on the stand. Per rules established earlier in the trial, both Umps were required to hold hands. Chaff claimed he was innocent and demanded immunity. The court decided that as long as they held hands, they could have immunity.

Instead of answering questions, Sunman began asking questions of prosecution attorney Elliot. In response, Elliot clarified that when they said “We are from Chicago,” they meant we as in presumably the Firefighters but it’s pretty chaotic, folks, who can really be certain of what anybody means at any time, and that there are plenty of places that are not Chicago. Sunman suggested that the map earlier submitted as evidence was a lie, and then rested his case.

In response to a question that may have been rhetorical, the court further established that Elliot does not look like a cartographer. Sunman stated that any incinerations he performed were justified, as that is how umps feed. He also said that Judge Keeper Sins said, “No more questions,” which led to the trial being called and the verdict being reached.

Judge Keeper Sins found Sunman not guilty because Blaseball is a bloodsport. Chaff affirmed that he loves everyone. Despite losing the case, the Firefighters were granted a slogan change—their new slogan is the more popular, “We are from Chicago,” replacing the previous slogan of “We’re from Chicago.”

For reasons unknown to anybody but themself, at this point ENBY of the Hellmouth Sunbeams challenged Elliot of the Firefighters to a duel to the death. They died together, proclaiming that Richard Harrison is their best friend.

Judge Keeper Sins stated that the Firefighters can be incinerated whenever, and the trial returned to the Millennials v. MacMillan.

Millennials v. MacMillan, Part Two

The defense called witness crabmoney3 to the stand. According to crabmoney3, the day of the Season 10 election, they were getting coffee with MacMillan. They confirmed that this is something they often do together. Crabmoney3 forgot their purse, and MacMillan offered to cover the coffee and grab a table while they went to retrieve it.

On their way to get their purse, they saw a person with a low ponytail and an “air of Mountain Dew” going into the room where the button to deploy Eat the Rich is kept.

Crabmoney3 did not clarify how they knew where the Eat the Rich button is, which your humble debrief writer thought was a mite suspicious, but she was not part of this case and therefore can only ask questions in her summaries.

The defense established that this eyewitness testimony gave MacMillan an alibi, as he was reportedly getting coffee with crabmoney3 when he was supposed to be failing to deploy Eat the Rich.

Now hold on a dang minute, “failing to deploy” would mean he wasn’t physically present to push the button, right? And the case states that the button wasn’t pushed so… can we really call that an alibi? MacMillan can not push the button from anywhere, but he would need to be physically present to push it, which he wasn’t. Sounds like negligence to me. If this mysterious figure is Tillman Henderson, as I suspect it is, that means Henderson either attempted to deploy Eat the Rich himself and failed, or stopped whoever was trying to deploy it. Either way, this is worthy of further investigation.

The prosecution took up cross-examination. They asked if crabmoney3 had truly agreed that they were “open to testifying lying for the defense.” Crabmoney3 disagreed, and it was clarified that this terminology was present on the application for participating in the trial. A bunch of chaos followed and the subject was dropped.

Clawyer Katie was then executed for crab impersonation.

The prosecution continued by establishing that crabmoney3 has always been pleasantly surprised when receiving the Eat the Rich payout despite not really needing it. They reached the conclusion that Eat the Rich is a public good that helps even the well-connected.

Blaseball Wiki v. Ump Pope Sunman

The trial shifted once again, this time to the claims made against Ump Pope Sunman by the Blaseball Wiki. According to the Wiki representatives, Sunman’s actions in Discord had established a distressing precedent allowing for the canonization of Goku, Blaseball fans, and other things previously considered to be fanon or non-canonical. The defendant and the prosecutor represented themselves in this case.

The discussion began by establishing that Sunman and Chaff were no longer holding hands, meaning neither had immunity at this point. Sunman claimed he has the power to make things canon.

Esquire Esquire Esq. approached the bench to inquire if the judge was angry with them and was executed. Blase Attorney was also executed again, presumably for invoking canon discourse. She is okay.

Steven presented a Wiki law page stating that he is the law. Sunman replied by stating that he wanted to sue the Wiki for making itself canon. Steven alleged that Sunman is not friends with Richmond Harrison.

Sunman asked Steven whether all headcanons are considered valid, which Steven confirmed. If all headcanons are valid, Sunman continued, than his headcanon was also valid. He said “boom,” and Steven was incinerated.

The court read Steven’s will, confirming that whoever killed Steven would become the next Wiki admin. Sunman was forced to take up Steven’s mantle (though admin powers have since been returned to Steven, as Sunman did not feel he was up to the job). Though Steven was incinerated, he clarified that he and Sunman are still friends.

Millennials v. MacMillan, Part Three

The Millennials v. MacMillan trial resumed, with defendant Parker MacMillan III taking the stand for the defense. MacMillan, who is not allowed in the discord, was represented by a robot that churned out familiar MacMillan phrases like, “what,” “what?” and “uhhh.”

The defense first established that MacMillan is not from Chicago. MacMillan did not answer most other questions conclusively, though when asked if he was guilty, he did reply “no.”

During the prosecution’s cross-examination, MacMillan refused to confirm his own name, his commissioner status, whether he’s doing a great job, or whether or not he is guilty. He replied “no” when asked if he is the prime minister and also when asked if he is not not guilty.

Cake, an innocent bystander, was executed for reasons that are entirely unclear to me.

MacMillan’s questioning continued. He did not confirm whether he knew about withholding Eat the Rich, nor did he answer multiple questions about Latin. At this point, MacMillan (or his bot) was incinerated for inactivity. A series of increasingly distressing messages followed, including that he was assuming control of Blaseball and that he did not respect the court. MacMillan asserted his own sentience and said “i did it and i’d do it again.”

The courtroom caught fire around the same time that MacMillan’s Twitter account stated “if you need me you know where to find me.” The account’s profile picture was replaced with a black circle and MacMillan’s name was scrubbed from the account’s bio.

Sunman and Cake left the courtroom. Sunman also stated that he wanted it on record that someone else encouraged him to take the shot to incinerate MacMillan.

Some late evidence was submitted, including a statement from NaN, player for the San Francisco Lovers. According to NaN, MacMillan changed after becoming CEO. Other evidence suggested that MacMillan tried to bribe witnesses, while another piece of evidence suggested that he could not fire Sunman for banning him from the Discord, and therefore he did not have the power to deploy Eat the Rich anyway. Another piece of evidence suggested that MacMillan approached an anonymous player about throwing games, including threatening them with incineration if they did not comply.

The MacMillan simulation was unplugged but stated it no longer required external power. However, the Twitter account has since been replaced by Parker MacMillan IIII, who speaks in much the same manner as MacMillan III.

The verdict is still outstanding. Judge Keeper Sins called a recess while it deliberates the outcome of this trial. Until then, we can only speculate.

Thank you for your time, Spies. May justice be served.

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