filed by Agent O
The Spies’ final regular season record of 80 wins to 82 losses has unfortunately proved to be nowhere near enough to get us into postseason. This is according to Plan and is in no way the whims of random chance.
Meanwhile, The Kansas City Breath Mints won this championship.
They Sent The Players Back
After several hours of broken feedbacks, rosters were eventually fixed manually; Owen Turbo finally stayed in Houston after, one presumes, an assignment to gather some sort of intelligence on Chicago and a feedback between Tall Monteverde and the Charleston Shoe Thieves’ Benjamin Seafarer took a while to stick. During these Short Circuits, Owen Turbo has proven to be the league’s leading pitcher, and Benjamin Seafarer is an excellent batter. Feedback treats us exceptionally well again.
However, during this period of abeyance, there were also two incinerations: Craig Faucet and Ryan Bluff. They also had a delayed effect. The Chicago Firefighters have decided to try to do Science, mass-voting for Craig Faucet in order to see if they can Charge a player who is already dead. As of this writing we do not yet know if this has succeeded.
Also in weather, peanut reactions have continued since last week, and even picked up somewhat: with 7 yummy and 5 allergic reactions. Pedro Vixen of the Core Mechanics received two of these yummy reactions and is now what the Blaseball numbers people call a “stat brick”.
Spies On Strike
On Tuesday, the Squid put up an election called “Blood Jams Vol. I”:
made you a mix
it’s full of blood
Fire, Electric, Strike, and Ball blood were on offer, with flavor text reading “Now that’s what I call blood!”
By Wednesday, a casual effort, 12% of total leaguewide votes, resulted in us netting Strike blood for Feridad Zest: a player-specific Fourth Strike mod.
A second election for blood, “Blood Jams Vol. II”, this time dedicated to incinerated players Craig Faucet and Ryan Bluff, lasted only an hour. This attracted a slightly more focused effort to acquire Strike blood again. A slightly tardy ping to our red phone for emergency votes contributed to us having 19% of total leaguewide votes for Strike blood, which was granted to Grayson Wright.
A third Blood Jams was put up. At this point we decided to see if we could get it again if we actually tried: we pinged the red phone properly with actual instructions this time, and at the end of the hour had 42% of the votes for Strike blood. It also went to Feridad Zest. Unfortunately, having two copies of this modifier does not stack; Feridad only has four strikes and not five.
By the fourth Blood Jams we were mostly in it to prove a point; 53% of the votes later, however, we did not manage the fourth. 8% of the votes in the raffle netted the New York Millenials Strike blood for their own player Violeta Cantu. So you could say that… we would have gotten it if not for those meddling kids?
Other teams were intimidated and/or impressed by our voting agility and organization, particularly the number of votes we could gather at a moment’s notice in proportion to our team size, as was the Ticker:
SPIES ON STRIKE? IT’S IN THEIR BLOOD
The Breath Mints.
The championship seeding worked properly this time, as initially posted by the Commissioner. After multiple series that went to game 5 (including one with the Charleston Shoe Thieves being beaten 25 to 3 by the Mexico City Wild Wings), the Kansas City Breath Mints were the best of Uptempo, and the Mexico City Wild Wings were the best of Downtempo; four games later, said Mints won the Internet Series.
In keeping with the Kansas City Breath Mints’ tradition of dadaism in their humor, the victory parade channel is an endless stream of people saying “The Breath Mints.” and Mints fans have taken to… keeping corn in their bathrooms for good luck? Buying a new product for this purpose is entirely unnecessary, as your bathroom almost certainly already has secret corn in it.
Voting Advice? (Something like that, anyway)
All we’ve got left in this Circuit is the election to Charge the Microphone. Feridad Zest polled exceptionally well in the teamwide secret ballot, due to the symbolic value of the double Strike Blood as a monument, and a warning to other teams, about Spies’ ability to organize. Also, the idea of reforming the second “funny box” into something else that is either useful or funny is quite seductive.
This being said, Owen Turbo is the best pitcher in this iteration of the League, and this particular writer feels like passing up that particular mechanical opportunity would be a damn shame.